


les mots bleus

by Laeana



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: 2020 - 2021 era, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Idiots in Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Misunderstandings, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Wedding Planning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-17 01:42:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29585331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laeana/pseuds/Laeana
Summary: In a cold evening, Lando kisses Carlos on the steps of his black front door.And maybe, maybe he shoudn't have done that.(or how Lando yearns for Carlos to love him back and Carlos is an idiot)
Relationships: Isa Hernáez/Carlos Sainz Jr (implied), Lando Norris/Carlos Sainz Jr
Comments: 4
Kudos: 55





	les mots bleus

**Author's Note:**

> (christophe - les mots bleus)

* * *

**I will tell her blue words**

**The ones that make people happy**

**I will call her without naming her**

**Maybe I'm outdated**

**The winter wind blows in April**

**I like the immobile silence**

**Of an encounter**

**Of an encounter**

* * *

On the step of the door, promises that are exchanged and lies that are brewing. They don't really know how to say goodbye to each other.

A kiss, the fatal mistake-

Ah, he shouldn't have done that.

Carlos laughs, stroking his cheek tenderly, eternally brotherly and playful, like it’s a joke, because it’s probably a joke in his eyes.

Sadly it’s surely a joke for him.

“You drank a little too much cabrón, isn’t it ?”

Somewhere, between the look of the Spaniard who rises to the sky, and he who bites his lip, invaded by despair, left by his last strength-

_Love me, love me, love me-_

A laugh escapes him and he can close his eyes to hide his tears.

Such a terrible, bittersweet taste that stays in his mouth.

“Yes, yes … that must be it.”

_Love me, love me, love me-_

And when Carlos turns his back on him to walk towards his car, Lando tries to silence the noise his heart is making.

It seems to him at this moment that everything is falling apart.

-

The atmosphere is strange between them. They attract wary glances at the slightest interaction.

It's his fault, he ruined everything.

It’s very much his fault.

They can't quite go back to how they were before.

But Lando is good at this game, the game of pretend. The game of whoever will pretend best that all is well.

He is even very good at this game.

A champion.

With lots of talent.

It may come from his childhood but his memories are too blurry for him to know.

Carlos' surprised look is worth the effort. It's nothing, it's just a passing fancy.

He remains alone to clean the debris from his heart. Shattered into a thousand pieces on the ground, right in front of his house, on the steps of his black front door.

He hasn't really gotten down to the act yet.

He was too concerned to see if all was well, if all could be well between them. 

If somehow he could fix things.

He was in desperate need to fix things.

He was too focused on the outside, so he didn't take enough care of the inside. 

Of his feelings. 

How much he _hurts himself_.

Lando thinks maybe he was too naive and that's what lost him.

After all, he was pretty sure Carlos felt the same way he did.

The glances exchanged, the affectionate touches, the smiles, the conversations … 

since when had he become so bad at reading the signs of everyday life ?

Or, he might have had too much hope.

Maybe that’s the fact he wanted to believe it this time. It was possible, it seemed possible to him.

But it was probably only friendly, at most, of no value.

He should have got used to it from the start. 

People don't fall for him. 

They fall in love with an image or a role, they fall in love with what they _want_ to see. Of an illusion, of a ghost. They constantly seek to reach what they can claim to be without suspecting for a second that there is more. That there is terribly more.

That he's true, that he's grounded in reality, and that there are a lot of things wrong with him.

That's why no one can love him, or not entirely.

But it suits him.

No one completely loves someone else. There are always facets, there is always something too much.

It's a shame, basically, to have believed so much with Carlos. 

He just felt safe, he felt understood, he felt loved, wanted. He felt good, once and for all.

They were _lies_.

It's so easy to believe it.

-

Lando doesn't think he can do it, he doesn't think he can stay in this situation indefinitely.

A situation where he is far too close to everything he would have liked to have.

Why must Carlos be so familiar with him? So tactile ?

It's always a little easier for him to slip into an illusion that never exists outside the circuits. In all that they could be. 

He strokes this illusion with his fingertips.

He's bleeding from the inside.

He feels like he can stain everything with his blood, he does just that.

Life is an infinite fog.

And then he has so many other things to do besides worrying about a vague crush that has gotten a little too intense.

Until it takes the form of true love.

Cursed, too.

He wasn't expecting anything. They are in Formula One after all, this is not the place, now is not the time.

But a laugh ? 

As his heart was swept under cover of a joke.

It really hurts.

They chain the videos and he enjoys each of these moments, knowing that nothing will be like the day that ends next year.

He will lose all reason to hang out with Carlos and maybe, maybe then he'll lose sight of all feeling.

He needs it.

He is in dire need of hindsight.

This is what he says.

Because the fact that the Spaniard changes teams hurt him.

A double-edged sword.

He will be free, now he will be _free_.

He runs towards his freedom.

He runs toward his escape.

He laughs at Carlos and acts more fraternally than he ever did and counts the days that pass, that flee, that will never return.

His wounds, his scars.

His way of being, who he is.

He's not the most fond of hugging or touching, but there is a kind of letting go with his teammate. He agrees to do it a bit more than with anyone.

Because he takes what he can have.

And he became familiar with it.

So now it’s not the same thing and it’s no longer that bad.

It's always different, a hug from a stranger or a simple mate and a hug from the man he loves.

And that's ridiculous, surely.

He smiles at all the memories spread out before his eyes, at the photos he has printed and which he keeps safe from everyone. 

These photos of moments spent _together_ , away from the cameras, when Carlos _really_ wanted his company.

He has to say goodbye to Carlos, he has to get used to the idea that nothing will be the same again, that they will probably lose everything from now on.

Everything will change.

He’s not sure he’s ready for that.

But his teammate, or ex-teammate now, takes him once again (one last time?) in his arms for a moment, with force.

“It's not a goodbye cariño, we have plenty of time to see each other again.” 

That's what Carlos whispers in his ear, a soft smile on his lips as he pulls back. 

Lando has to swallow the bitterness that runs down his throat.

And when he finally finds himself _alone_ , he blames himself for letting a tear run down his cheek.

-

This new year brings a new dose of weirdness to his life.

He spent time in Dubai, tried to take his mind off things with a girl, and caught the covid.

What fantastic news.

Either way, it's hard enough to take his mind off things when he can't help but think about Carlos.

Seeing his stories was a bad idea, he instead tried to take a break from social media because he couldn't see it anymore.

He didn't want to see anyone anymore.

He wanted to forget.

Even just a little.

But it's never easy to run away or to erase feelings. He would have liked it to be easy.

He has to get used to the idea of having a new teammate, all of a sudden. And he likes Daniel, he didn’t have any real difficulty _interacting_ with him, but he needs time.

He has to adapt to the fact that nothing is the same anymore.

He has to adapt to being around a new person so often.

It's like a kind of forced cohabitation.

And they don't get along badly, it would be wrong to say that, but there are more lines that stand between them.

And Daniel doesn’t have the same interest in him nor as much time to devote to him.

In search of something bigger, a goal. Of a world championship.

He misses the long evenings of playing FIFA, spending time together, seeing each other for the sheer pleasure of things.

He watches his phone in the hope of seeing a message, a call, too often. 

He doesn't feel so good anymore.

A different desperation from that of last year. Of the one he felt when his heart broke on the floor, while Carlos was laughing.

He should accept that there is a distance that has grown between them.

Carlos and Charles get along so _well_.

He wonders if his videos with Daniel give the same effect. 

It's terrible to be jealous and to fear something that has already happened. The separation has already taken place and he can shed as many tears as he wants.

It won't change anything.

This is the very principle of Formula One after all.

A constant set of musical chairs.

All he can hope for is not to lose his chair. He shouldn't expect anything from others, since it doesn't depend on him.

He will have time to have other teammates, he will have time to meet other people.

And his feelings will fade as if they never existed.

Why can't they just fade right now ?

It's a sort of unhealthy impatience-

On the condition of a sickly-looking sadness that refuses to leave him.

After all, if he decides to let these feelings go, who else will know that they lived apart from him ? no one, and that terrifies him.

Part of his past, part of him that can die.

It's also hard to let go of something that brought him so much joy. Who shaped his memories with a soft, nostalgic glow. 

Which made his life a little less ordinary, every day.

Even if they weren't shared, even if he ends up stamped with a heartbreak that he cannot fight against.

He doesn't want everything to be over already.

-

Keeping in touch with someone is more than hard. 

Lando already knew this before the whole situation unfolded.

He's had long-distance relationships that ended badly, because trying all the time is tiresome and if one of the two people stops, everything falls apart.

That's why he didn't expect much from his relationship with Carlos.

Or at least-

Or at least he expected the minimum.

They see each other in the paddock after all, even if sanitary standards tend to reduce everything.

They see each other anyway.

So finding Carlos at his door more than once is surprising.

He was pretty sure the Spaniard had sold the house he owned in England, breaking their bond further.

And he probably did.

“I wanted us to spend some time together.”

This is the justification given to him.

Who is he to say no ?

Lando still has such a hard time saying no, especially to Carlos.

And it’s true that he missed all that. That he missed their relationship in itself and that he would have given a lot to get even a glimpse of what they lost.

Snuggled up against Carlos, while the latter tells him, amazed, several details of his new adventure, slipping him from time to time words in Italian or Spanish, he doesn’t regret anything.

If only his heart could stop beating so hard in his chest.

-

The rest comes like everything else.

A surprise.

In the form of a letter. On the steps of his black front door.

His name is written neatly on the back, neat font and it reminds him of a lot of things-

He almost drops the envelope upon discovering its contents.

An invitation to a wedding.

_Carlos and Isa._

Written in full, ends his last hopes (did he still have some left?) with a hammer blow. 

This time he doesn't hold back tears.

He feels inconsolable.

It's just one way or another of telling him it was unworkable anyway. That he was harboring illusions.

It shouldn't come as a surprise.

It shouldn't be.

He should have expected it, because it was so predictable.

There is a special message slipped in the envelope from Carlos.

He spins it between his fingers, afraid of what more he can find.

As of today, he can tell he hates surprises.

_¡Holá, cabrón!_

_I'm sorry I kept such news from you, even though I wanted you to know it before everyone else. Also I would like to ask you to be my best man ? You_

He doesn’t read further than this sentence, seized by a terrible urge to throw up.

He slid down against the wall, trying to calm his breathing, though the weight in his chest wouldn't go away.

It's so heavy, he's having trouble breathing.

Everything is disturbed around him.

He would like … he would like … he would like-

He would like the world to stop, just for a moment.

To give him time to breathe.

-

“You look terrible today.”

Lando doesn't even respond to his teammate's remark.

He has neither the inclination nor the strength to worry about such a joke. 

He's tired, indeed.

He thought he had done the hardest part, he thought he had already agreed to kill his feelings enough not to suffer so much.

And now love comes back to slap him head on.

“It's because of Carlos' marriage, isn't it ?”

He is frozen in his footsteps.

How-

How is that possible ? How can Daniel know about anything ? 

He never told him anything.

“What ?”

“Max told me you were not doing well, it was easy to hook everything up from there.”

Surprised once again.

Urgh.

He'll end up really hating that feeling.

After all, it means being out of control, controlling nothing at all, being lost in some way.

Really loathsome.

“Max ? You’re still talking to each other ?”

He doesn't miss the sweet smile that lands on Daniel's lips, just a moment, but it's enough for him to see it.

“You shouldn't go to this wedding.”

“But I-”

Daniel pulls him towards him, running a hand through his curls, affectionate, more affectionate than he has shown to him since the beginning of their collaboration.

“You don't deserve this, Lando. So don't do this to yourself. Don't hurt yourself like that. Please.”

-

The wedding, or rather the wedding week, is during the break. 

Several relatives are invited to come during this period, to properly celebrate the event.

And have a more than correct bachelor party.

Lando's invitation is currently settled 10 days before the wedding.

Because Carlos couldn't wait to spend time with him.

Because Carlos had so much to show him.

Because he mattered more to Carlos.

Daniel's words continue to echo in his head.

Max speaks to him in turn.

Strangely supporting the words of the Aussie.

And he knows he should allow himself the right to be happy.

Of taking care of _himself_.

Even if-

Even if that means making more extreme decisions.

Even if that means missing the marriage of the person who meant most to him. 

Even if it means missing the worst day of his life.

Especially if it means missing the worst day of his life, feeling so bad and not being able to do anything about it except watch.

Watch the man he loves so much, the man he was convinced it would be him, that it had to be him, that it was the love of his life, unite with someone else.

Lando turns off his phone and decides to go for a jog.

-

That's how he spends his week. He never gives himself time to cry, he occupies himself until he is exhausted.

He needs it.

When he turns his phone back on to check if his trainer has texted him or if he has received a message from his team, his finger hovers above Instagram.

He opens it just long enough to see the story of Max, taking the plane alongside Daniel.

He just smiles before switching off his phone again.

There is no point in persisting.

Sometimes fate just doesn't want him.

Sometimes people just aren't meant to end up together.

And that's fine, he can get used to it. He is not childish to the point of loudly protesting the fact that Carlos is happy without him.

He's not selfish, either, to the point of revealing his feelings to Carlos.

To the point of undoing the misunderstanding.

He knows Carlos would feel bad for him.

He doesn't want his _pity_.

His pity will bring him nothing.

He doesn't want to crack their relationship any more than it already is.

Although, not showing up at his wedding, he is already curious to see the repercussions on their friendship.

It's laughable, basically.

The fact of needing distance because being close, being so close, hurts him. 

The person most dear to him but also the one who destroys him from the inside.

He has trouble getting used to it.

Lando has suffered, in silence, for too long.

Moping in his room, dark, curtains closed.

To wonder why he wasn't enough for Carlos. Why he didn't deserve his attention, his affection, feelings for each other shared.

Then realizing-

That he probably wasn't enough for himself.

And returning to the same reflection as before.

It’s hard to love someone completely.

Yet he was certain that Carlos knew almost everything about him. And that he knew almost everything about Carlos.

He lived, lulled by these illusions.

That broke a little too quickly.

He tells himself that if he stops himself from thinking, he will stop himself from feeling everything he's feeling right now.

Which is a terrible idea.

He agrees.

But it's only a week and once that week is over he can forget everything.

-

Lando wakes up on a Monday morning.

Without having to do anything in particular.

He does his workout.

Then he leads his day with a quiet, calm, deaf mind to outside.

He doesn't think about the deadline that has just been reached.

He wants to forget.

Take a new start.

To find himself back.

He is getting ready to go out to do some shopping and then-

On his black front door step-

He is not alone.

Carlos stands, close, a little too close when he hasn't seen him for a long time-

His features are soft but slightly tired.

He is dressed informally.

As if he wasn't leaving a wedding.

He has no wedding ring on his ring finger-

And he seems almost shy.

“You weren't here.”

The accent rolls to his ears in the sweetest way.

“That's right, sorry.”

They don't know what to say to each other.

Lando doesn't know why Carlos is there.

He is afraid of reason.

He is afraid of what he might say to him.

He is afraid of anything that may be happening at this precise moment.

“Aren't you wearing your wedding ring ?”

Carlos smiles.

“I, mh, changed my mind.”

He tilts his head to the side, without understanding.

“What do you mean ?”

The Spaniard comes forward enough to take hold of his hands.

His heart beats at his temples.

He still doesn't understand.

He doesn't want to understand.

He is afraid of forming ideas, he is afraid of false hopes.

“I'm not going to marry her, Lando.”

Time seems to be strangely stopped-

His breath is blocked in his throat.

“I was an idiot. I couldn't understand why you hadn't come, I was looking for your presence. Dan and Max … taught me enough. This week has been enough for me to understand.”

Their eyes meet.

“To understand that I didn't want a life without you.”

And it's just a whisper.

It’s far from perfect.

He shakes his head.

It’s not possible.

“I'm a boy, Carlos.”

“I know.”

“And … I'm not your teammate anymore.”

“I noticed.”

“And I … I'm just me. I …”

“You think I didn’t know that ? That's why I love you.”

A tear rolls down his cheek without himhaving time to hold it back.

It's too sudden, it's too sudden.

He didn't think he had a chance.

He should have had no chance.

It has to be a joke.

“B-But … you said … it was just a joke. You didn't love me back, you-”

Carlos wipes the tear away with the tip of his thumb.

A sweetness such as he has not seen for a long time.

The sweetness of one who loves and who knows he is loved in return.

The sweetness of one who has so much to give and to offer and who is simply waiting.

The sweetness of the one who trusts himself and the person who faces him.

So soft.

“I'm sorry, Lando. I was stupid, dumb, you have the right to blame me. But I wanted you to know that I wouldn't marry her. That if there is one person I want to put the ring on their finger, it's you.”

Then Carlos smiles again.

That smile that was always meant for him.

That smile that made him fall in love with him a little too easily.

A smile that sounds, that seems real.

And Lando, Lando, he-

He just falls a little more each time.

Tears flow more.

Carlos leans forward and-

Oh.

Their lips meet.

It’s not the first time.

But it's so much more valuable. 

They discover each other, it takes a little longer.

They have all the time in the world.

Then Carlos pulls back but doesn't let him go.

He hugs him.

Lando is breathing for what feels like the first time in weeks.

He spent all his time with his head under water.

He is loved.

It's incredible, it's new, it's terribly beautiful.

He loves and he is loved.

“Te amo, te amo, Lando.”

He only clings to Carlos more.

With the fear that everything is just an illusion.

It's too good, after all.

-

Lando doesn’t have happy memories of this period.

Rather, it was a long ordeal that ended.

And yet, _yet_ , he felt ready to put those feelings behind him.

He felt ready to live miserable if that meant Carlos was happy.

It's crazy what we are ready to do for those we love.

His house with the front black door has become their home.

Has become home of so many memories.

There are the long moments they share, the moments when Carlos comes home with him.

The moments when he must also go to Italy.

They do everything to make their relationship last and survive. 

Because a relationship takes effort on both sides.

Because it’s never easy and because nothing is ever taken for granted.

In the end, does the place really matter ? 

What matters most isn't that they get to spend time together ?

They discover themselves, more, over time that passes and over the moments that fade away.

And everyday life is not easy.

There are so many things they have to face.

They are still top athletes.

They are never safe from a photographer's flash, from a rumor that is a little too pronounced, from a malicious glance.

They are not immune to anything.

But he thinks it's okay.

After all, he's ready to fight for his happiness now.

Because he deserves to be happy.

Isn’t that right ?

* * *

**I will tell her blue words**

**The ones that make people happy**

**A love story without words**

**No longer needs the protocol**

**And all the pointless speeches**

**Would somewhat tarnish the design**

**Of our reunions**

**Of our reunions**

**I will tell her blue words**

**The words we say with our eyes**

**I will tell her all the blue words**

**All those that make people happy**

* * *

**Author's Note:**

> a project that was laying in my notes and that i'm happy to finally have finished ! I'm having free time right now so I'll be able to post more and more often I think ...
> 
> Anyway, I saw some carlando where Carlos would marry and Lando would stay sad and alone ... so I decided to reverse it here. I find the ending kinda cheesy, but I hope you liked it either way :)
> 
> tumblr : laeana


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